Are You Living in Burnout?
Several years ago, late one Monday, I sat in a doctor's waiting room with tears trickling down my face. I had just turned forty, had a wonderful wife and son, and was leading a thriving and growing church in a beautiful city. I should have been filled with gratitude and joy. Instead, I felt completely empty, spiritually numb, totally exhausted, and I wanted to run away from everything and everyone.
That day, I was diagnosed with sustained low-level burnout that had caused me to become depressed. There were many reasons for my condition at this stage, but a primary cause was my lack of boundaries.
I didn't know how to say "no" to people, or I didn't think I could say no. I was the pastor, after all. It was my job to always be available, to fix everyone's problems, to counsel anyone who needed help, to respond to every email and message, to attend every meeting, and to say "yes" to every request.
That's what people expected of me. They praised me for my attentiveness and care. And I loved being appreciated. It made me feel important. Yet, it was slowly destroying my soul, and almost took me out of ministry completely. In the years since then, I have learned to set firm boundaries. They have transformed my life, ministry, marriage, relationships, productivity, and emotional well-being. I pray that the fourteen pieces of wisdom about boundaries below help you.
Fourteen Pieces of Practical Wisdom on Boundaries
1. Understand that you have no obligation to spend time with anyone. Be intentional about your relationships. Choose your close friends carefully.
2. Start slowly. Don't read this and immediately set new, firm boundaries in place with all of your relationships. Make small changes. For example, instead of meeting someone every week, perhaps you can grab a coffee once every few weeks.
3. Be assertive, not aggressive. Don't set boundaries when you're angry about a situation. It will normally provoke a negative reaction. Take time. Think things through. But, when you need to communicate, be direct in your words and actions.
4. Be clear and specific. If someone takes up too much time, tell them, "I can only meet you on Monday from 6:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m." At 6:55 p.m., make it clear that the time is coming to a close.
5. Don't feel the need to apologize or rationalize your decision. Jesus said, "All you need to say is simply 'Yes,' or 'No'..." (Matthew 5:37). You don't have to create some profound reason or elaborate excuse as to why you can't do something or commit to someone's plans. If you are asked to do something that you don't want to do, simply say, "I'm afraid that won't work for me, but thanks for asking."
6. Don't allow guilt or manipulation to change your boundaries. As I've already said, the people who benefit most from your lack of boundaries may react strongly when you no longer accommodate their wishes. That's okay. You can't control their feelings or actions, but you can control your own.
7. Understand that boundaries are a form of self-care. You can't give to others from an empty tank. Boundaries help you to remain physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy so that you can be most effective in the areas where God has called you to serve.
8. Know that you do not have to respond to every email or message. Generally, I do try to get back to people when they take the time to contact me. But there are times when it's not convenient, or I'm just too busy; it can wait. In other situations, if the other person has been rude or overly negative, I might simply delete the message and move on. (Photo via Unsplash)
9. Understand that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean you have to reconcile your relationship with them. Some things can't be unsaid or undone. You can forgive them, yet keep them out of your life.
10. Understand that there is a big difference between mistakes (which we all make) and chosen patterns of behavior that dishonor God. I can forgive and allow them back into my life when they slip up. However, if they set out on a destructive path and refuse to face up to their issues, I will probably keep them at a distance.
11. If people don't respect your boundaries, put firmer boundaries in place. If they continue to ignore them, you may have no choice but to remove yourself from that relationship.
12. If anyone constantly disrespects, demeans, degrades, or dishonors you, then you have absolutely no obligation to keep that person in your life. This applies even to family. Jesus once gave this unusual piece of advice: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6).
13. Understand the difference between a friendship and a ministry. If the relationship is one way, or you wouldn't normally choose to spend time with the person outside of a church setting, it is probably a ministry, not a friendship. Treat it as such.
14. Avoid emotional "vampires"; they will drain you and leave you empty. You will never do enough for them.
Boundaries Create Freedom
Setting boundaries is about being in control of your life. They are a sign of maturity and self-respect. They give you direction and protection. They prevent you from living according to the demands, opinions, and whims of others. A life without boundaries will usually be filled with chaos, confrontation, resentment, and frustration.
Boundaries preserve my peace and enable me to stay healthy. I have only one life. God has called me to be fruitful. I can't do that if I'm expending all of my time and energy on things or people that He hasn't assigned to me.
Appropriate boundaries increase my ability to care about what matters most. More and more, I realize how easily distracted I get from what matters most. I need to be increasingly intentional about seeking His face, feeding on His Word, enjoying His presence, and hearing His voice.
When I'm spending time alone with the Lord, I have to place my phone in a drawer (or even in another room), otherwise I'll start scrolling and become unfocused. I don't need social media feeds; I need Him. I don't need more human opinions; I need His perspective.
Perhaps you can relate? Maybe you're struggling to find focus and direction in this season of your life. Or you're finding it difficult to hear God speak into your situation. I believe that the Holy Spirit is going to bring clarity into some areas of our lives where there's been confusion or even frustration. He's going to give clear direction on how to move forward. (Photo via Unsplash)
Clarity Is Coming
For too long, it has felt like everything has been blurry, fuzzy, and distorted. There's been a fogginess and distraction hanging over you—almost like a nagging frustration or agitation that you can't seem to shake. You're pulled in different directions. You're busy, but feel so unproductive and unfulfilled. You know that change is coming, but it's so hard to see clearly. You sense the shift inside you, but around you everything looks the same. There's an expectancy. You know that something new is being birthed, but it feels like it's taking too long.
You've been battling discouragement at times. You're tired of the delay. You're weary from waiting. You just want to hear the Lord speak to you. You long to step into the "next." You're ready for the "new"; you've been ready for a long time.
Let me encourage you today: things are about to turn. Clarity is coming. Confusion is breaking. You will begin to hear the Holy Spirit speak with increased sharpness and frequency. He will give you fresh vision for the future.
He will show you the steps you need to take. You will understand the changes you need to make. The jumbled pieces will begin to fall into place. It is vital that you spend uninterrupted time in the secret place. Give space for the Spirit to impart new ideas, directions, downloads, blueprints, and strategies.
Be intentional. Close the door, put away your phone, and shut out all distractions. Get on your knees, open your Bible, ask Him questions, and have a pen and paper ready.
As you seek Him, you will hear His voice. You will discern the way ahead. You will receive fresh wisdom and insights. The path will become clear.
Do whatever He tells you, no matter how insignificant it seems, even if it doesn't make sense. Obedience will bring your breakthrough. Clarity is coming.
"His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever He tells you.'" (John 2:5)
​"... He said to them, 'Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" (Mark 6:31)
​"... when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come." (John 16:13)
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Craig Cooney
HOPE Church | Daily Prophetic
Email:Â contactdailyprophetic@gmail.com
Website:Â dailyprophetic.com
Craig Cooney has been in ordained ministry for over fifteen years, leading churches in the north and south of Ireland. He is married to Becky, and they have a son named Elijah, as well as a labradoodle puppy named Henry. Craig is the author of four books: "The Tension of Transition," "SPIRIT SPEAK," "I Hear Yahweh," and "When the Lamb Roars." His passion is to help Believers to hear God's voice for themselves and apply God's wisdom as they navigate through the transitions of life.
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